I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I did not marry a roomba.
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