you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
