You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
