Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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