when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
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