he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
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Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
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I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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