He had one of those small greek statue penises
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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