Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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