I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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