He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
