We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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