I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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