stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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