we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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