I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
