I'm passing your future prison.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
