I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
