Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
