Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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