The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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