Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Randomize
