I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
