Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
