So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
