oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
