be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
