9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
