Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
