Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
