I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
