i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
