he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
