New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
