Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
