Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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