JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
