My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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