He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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