he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
