what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Randomize
