i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
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