alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
