I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
