Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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