Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Randomize
