You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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