The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
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During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
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It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro