Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(513): View more from Ohio

someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet

(330): View more from Ohio

I'll alert the authorities

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(513): someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet (330): I'll alert the authorities http://tfl.nu/v6wq

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(313): View more from Michigan

i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.

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(313): i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small. http://tfl.nu/i072

Replies (47) Good night (4394) Bad night (1125)
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(352): View more from Florida

Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.

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(352): Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance. http://tfl.nu/csuc

Replies (178) Good night (4228) Bad night (1015)
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(571): View more from Virginia

i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame

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(571): i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame http://tfl.nu/i2ht

Replies (48) Good night (9131) Bad night (832)
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(702): View more from Nevada

When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

I've always been the spiritual type.

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(702): When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion. (1-702): I've always been the spiritual type. http://tfl.nu/v0oc

Replies (27) Good night (7824) Bad night (990)
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(914): View more from New York

What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?

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(914): What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"? http://tfl.nu/mnqg

Replies (13) Good night (1214) Bad night (5081)
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(716): View more from New York

If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.

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(716): If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex. http://tfl.nu/vi35

Replies (13) Good night (4402) Bad night (1217)
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(949): View more from California

Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.

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(949): Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices. http://tfl.nu/flw8

Replies (6) Good night (3446) Bad night (1465)
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(218): View more from Minnesota

I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.

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(218): I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now. http://tfl.nu/xd1f

Replies (7) Good night (635) Bad night (1168)
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(816): View more from Missouri

the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight

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(816): the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight http://tfl.nu/st8j

Replies (3) Good night (1818) Bad night (426)
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(920): View more from Wisconsin

You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".

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(920): You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died". http://tfl.nu/180h

Replies (4) Good night (1072) Bad night (417)
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(201): View more from New Jersey

I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.

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(201): I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me. http://tfl.nu/s5ef

Replies (0) Good night (1054) Bad night (393)
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(512): View more from Texas

I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.

(1-512): View more from Texas

Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?

(512): View more from Texas

It was just one of those nights, man.

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(512): I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something. (1-512): Why was his mouth around your nose anyways? (512): It was just one of those nights, man. http://tfl.nu/4s6y

Replies (2) Good night (484) Bad night (722)
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(915): View more from Texas

He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.

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(915): He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise. http://tfl.nu/lq6i

Replies (7) Good night (699) Bad night (199)
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(317): View more from Indiana

Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.

(1-317): View more from Indiana

I can't help you there

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(317): Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving. (1-317): I can't help you there http://tfl.nu/q1ip

Replies (0) Good night (157) Bad night (350)

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