i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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