Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
