Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
