She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
