I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
