fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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