Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
