Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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