I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
