my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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