Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
