if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
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