you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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